Mental struggle

Over these last 2 years, life for me has been more of a struggle than ever before. With the uncertainty with Covid, the endless number of restrictions that have been imposed throughout this pandemic, it's been a continuous battle to try and keep myself somewhat sane. For the record, I've struggled with mental health issues all my life. I've had chronic depression since... forever, and I honestly can't remember a time where I haven't been suffering with depression. But these past couple of years have been tough. Before this pandemic, I was working out and losing weight and trying to make a change. I've been overweight since puberty, and I've always struggled with weight loss since. The first lockdown hit, and my mental health got worse again, and I've been feeling the effects since. Food is my comfort and I eat when I am sad to make me feel happy. The problem with this is that I am eating too much and because I was locked inside for months, all the weight I lost, I put it all back on and I'm now probably the heaviest I've ever been in my life.

As my mental health has declined, I've generally become less productive overall and lost a lot of motivation to do anything. I sometimes wake up in the morning and I just can't be bothered to get out of bed. When it comes to friendships, most are either strained or people have stopped talking to me altogether - simply because "I don't seem that interested" in having a conversation or wanted to play video games or hangout with them. I am like this not because I don't like them or anything, it's just exhausting for me to sometimes hold a conversation with other people or keep with certain commitments that come with friendships. I don't blame anyone in my life for wanting to distance themselves away from me. In fact, I am used to it. I've never been that guy that's had many friends.

I often look back and wonder what would happen if I did certain things differently. Would I be where I am now? Would my life be any worse or better? Unfortunately, I'll never know the answer to those questions.

All I can do now is try to improve my wellbeing and try to get back on track with my life, and I've still got a lot of work to do mentally and physically.

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